the least instagrammable places in houston.

I could write another blog post about the most “Instagrammable” places in Houston. I could write a dissertation on this subject. I could make you color coded maps, broken down by neighborhood, type of establishment, or occasion. I could rate each restaurant, coffee shop, bar, or random pretty wall by the quality of lighting, presentation of the products, and decor. I am a little bit ashamed that I know all of these things about so many places (lol no clearly I am not).

But as I was brainstorming for said post, a profound thought occurred to me: nobody cares. You probably already know all of this information. Or if you need some inspiration, you could look at literally every other Houston blogger’s Instagram feed and see hundreds of beautiful pictures of Instagram-worthy establishments, taken by people who are much better at this than I am and have way nicer cameras.

So…these are the LEAST Instagrammable places that I have discovered in the beautiful city of Houston. Features include terrible lighting, dated decor, coffee served in plain cups, and some of the ugliest tabletops I have ever seen. But all of these places are fantastic, and are being tragically neglected by idiots like me who have started (accidentally on purpose) selecting restaurants based on how they will appear on social media.

And don’t worry, I still attempted to take cool pics at each one of these places. Shoutout to the VSCO app for making these ugly pics…slightly less ugly.

Bellaire Broiler Burger

This little joint has been in business for approximately 4,000 years (okay, since 1972, according to the menu - but in Houston restaurant terms that’s ancient) and I am fairly certain that the interior has never been remodeled. I think the most recent piece of decor hanging on the wall was a “Killer B’s” poster from circa 2001, two Astros logos ago. The lighting was bad, the walls were brown, and the tables were formica. Do they still even make formica? I was actually REALLY TRYING to get good pictures here. It can’t be done. But this was a solid, no frills burger, and it was like, fast food prices cheap. You can actually watch them cook the burgers behind the counter. It’s apparently something of an iconic Houston establishment with a cult following, and I think carries a lot of nostalgia for many Houstonians. On a Saturday afternoon, I was easily the youngest person in the building by several decades.

Fresh & Best Donuts

Next door to the burger joint is a donut place that my friend Elizabeth recommended to me. The name of the place is a little on the nose, but I found it to be accurate. I stood there, unable to make a decision on which donut I wanted and which color sprinkles (I am aware that all sprinkles taste the same, I am just insane), but finally selected a purple one. Of course I love the fancy donut varieties they have at Morningstar or Hugs & Donuts, but I also like being able to get myself a classic, high quality donut, that’s not even served in some kind of trendy photogenic brown paper bag with a cute logo stamped on it, for one dollar. They also sold kolaches, and I am currently staring at this photo and wondering why on earth I didn’t order one of those kolaches. I suppose I have to go back now.

Black Hole

Finding a non-Instagrammable coffee shop presented a very real challenge, one which I nearly gave up on, because this is the year 2018 and coffee shops no longer exist for the purpose of selling people caffeinated beverages. Coffee shops only exist to be photographed for social media (at least in my experience). Or possibly for hanging out and looking trendy and intellectual, feeling superior to your poor, unenlightened, Starbucks-loving peers (okay NOW I’m hearing the pretentious thing). But there is one independent coffee shop left in Houston that I have found to be, to be blunt, really pretty ugly. Black Hole has been around for a while, and it looks like it was built in a repurposed convenience store. The decor is bizarre and mismatched. And extremely 70’s. That’s Lindsay Lohan in the background there, we asked. And the coffee is served in these horrific boring brown cups. BUT. This place is amazing. It’s a GREAT place to get work done (almost everyone in there was working or studying), and it stays open late. There’s plenty of seating. The quirky decor is probably not great for Instagram, but I also kind of love it. I had a cajeta latte, which they are apparently known for (it’s a goat milk latte), in an unusual departure from my normal coffee order. It was unique and tasty, despite the ugly cup.

Love Buzz

I found more Clown Shoes beer! (It’s beer without pretension, according to the can. And we all know I’m not pretentious.)

Wait….is this actually the MOST Instagrammable bar in Houston…?

I freakin’ love this bar! The music is 90’s alt rock deep cuts, the beer selection is weird and awesome, the televisions only play cartoons, and they have REALLY GOOD PIZZA. I had an amazing conversation with the bartender about “The Emperor’s New Groove,” aka the best animated movie ever made, and how I truly believe that the whole “WRONG LEVER / Why do we even have that lever” bit is the crowing comedic achievement of The Walt Disney Company. There’s also skee-ball and air hockey.

West Alabama Ice House / Tacos Tierra Caliente

Two classic Houston establishments. The taco truck is conveniently located right across the street from the bar. The tacos are tiny, so order like 5 of them. Also, they’re probably the best tacos I’ve ever had. I had seen it top many a blogger’s taco list, but I was skeptical. Why am I always so skeptical?! I couldn’t stop talking about these tacos for the next 24 hours. I think I’m going back tomorrow. The bar itself is mostly outside, and super chill. You could almost make a case for it being good for Instagram, at least in the daytime, with it’s outdoorsy-ness and picnic tables and eclectic seating and lighting and such. But I’m standing by this choice. There were also some icicle lights up and Shiner Christmas Cheer beer was available. It was 83 degrees outside the night we went. But I’m about to go stock up on that Christmas beer.

Pink’s Pizza

This may be a controversial choice. One could argue that some locations of Pink’s are somewhat “cute.” Also, if you order Pink’s, the boxes are pretty awesome. But this was taken at the Montrose area location, and this location is not cute. This plastic tablecloth thingy is absurd. I mean seriously…I strategically placed the receipt in the photo in an attempt to make it look more artistic. That’s pathetic. But the pizza is great.

Street Food Thai Market

This is the restaurant that inspired this post. I was trying to take a picture of this dish, realizing that the tabletop is incredibly tacky and that there was a terrible glare, annoying all my friends, wondering what I was doing with my life. But then I ate this meal…it’s called Khao Soi Gai, a Northern Thai dish, and I am not qualified to describe it because I am clearly not a real food critic, but it was unbelievable. And so was that sticky rice with fresh mango. This meal needed to be shared with the world, and by “the world” I mean the seven people who are reading this.

Nam Giao

Anddddd finally, I was reminded of this gem as I was scrolling mindlessly through old photos in my phone recently. Nam Giao is a Vietnamese restaurant that was featured on the Netflix show “Ugly Delicious” (which is pretty awesome…good job Houston). I felt like that was pretty on theme with the rest of this post. I wish I could tell you what any of these dishes are, but unfortunately I do not remember. Also, I’m getting tired of typing and I doubt many people made it this far in the post? Sooooo I could just start talking about anything now? I just started season four of "Friends” and I’m getting pretty emotionally invested in the fate of Ross and Rachel. I sure hope they can work it out. I’m also really excited to celebrate Halloween this weekend. I’ll be the one dressed as a llama. No one else seems to find this as funny as I do, but like most things in my life (including posting this nonsense that I just spent an alarming amount of time on), I am going to do it anyway.

I seem to have gotten off track. And I need to watch some more “Friends”; the suspense is killing me. Have a great week, everybody.

<3 liz